Remember The Moon Page 14

  Beano.

  I love you too, Daddy.

  ***

  “The therapist wants to put Calder on meds,” Maya said, twisting a curl of hair around her finger and biting her lip, waiting for the reaction of the others. She was at Molly’s house, another widowed mom in the grief support group that met once a month in each other’s homes. The women gathered around Molly’s living room – Maya on the couch, Molly, dwarfed by her oversized denim-covered chair, Kristie in a wicker rocker dragged in from the porch, and Chelsea on her knees near the coffee table, her back warmed by a fire in the fireplace that warded off a late November chill, with her cup of tea perched near a large plate of homemade peanut butter cookies. Of course, unbeknown to our wives, us dead husbands were there with them. Participating in these groups had become a habit for all of us, the dead and the living. When the group of widows began meeting, the husbands remained in the distance, held off by a strange mixture of regret and sadness. But the energy this group of women exuded as they talked drew us in. We became more substantive in our presence. I was able to make out a few of the human features of each husband and we developed a sort of camaraderie between us. I sat beside Maya on the couch.

  “Really? He seems so young. Do you think it’ll help?”

  Chelsea asked, looking concerned. “Are things really that bad with him?”

  “Temper tantrums, throwing things, breaking his toys, then the skateboarding accident.”

  “How’s he doing after that?” Kristie asked.

  “Oh, he’s fine. He spent a few days lying around the house, but now he just wears the brace around his shoulder and he’s fine. He’s back at school.”

  “That must have been so scary!” Molly said.

  “Yeah. He actually told the fireman that he wanted to die,” Maya said, her eyes filling with tears.

  “Oh God!” Molly said.

  “Yeah. He keeps saying how much he hates his life. It’s awful. I can’t leave him with a babysitter without him freaking out and he’s obsessed about me not being late to pick him up at school.” Maya swallowed back her tears, took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment.

  “Wow! Sounds intense,” Chelsea said. “Tatiana can be difficult, but nothing like that.”

  “I know. It’s a little extreme for an eight-year-old, right? I always thought people who put their kids on meds were copping out or something, but I’m starting to get it,” Maya said as she bit her lip.

  “It’s not copping out. Not at all, honey,” Kristie said.

  “So you think I should try the meds?” Maya looked around at her friends, imploring them to help her with the decision.

  I get it Lenie, but try and find another way. Meds aren’t the answer! How could the woman who made her own baby food want to put our child on anti-depressants?

  “It can’t hurt to try, can it?” Molly interjected.

  What is wrong with our wives? I looked at Declan, Molly’s husband, for backup.

  Don’t look at me. I agree with them. What’s the harm?

  I just think there are alternatives to putting a kid on medication for something like grief.

  But isn’t this a little more than just grief? The kid tried to kill himself on a skateboard. Maybe the grief is a precursor to depression. Your son seems to be having a pretty rough time. Have you forgotten that he also pulled a knife out of a drawer and asked his mom to kill him? If that’s not a cry for help, I don’t know what is. I think it’s more than just grief. Declan had a point.

  You can’t blame the kid for wanting to be with his dad. Seems like a pretty normal kid thing to me. I don’t think it means he’s suicidal. I’m actually impressed by his creativity and touched that he wants to be with me so badly.

  A little human of you, don’t you think, Jay? Ben’s thought was clear. Ben, Kristie’s husband, had been here the longest. He seemed to get a kick out of pointing out one’s human traits, which I found hypocritical, given that it seemed like a pretty human thing to do. In life, Ben had been an extreme athlete and very particular about taking care of his body. Despite his healthy lifestyle, he dropped dead of a heart attack during a marathon. Even the kind of diligence that keeps a human body healthy is no guarantee that a body will last you through old age. I could understand his resentment towards one’s humanness.

  Human? Do you mean egotistical? It may be, but I think it’s human nature for a child to want to be with his father, I replied.

  You seem pretty convinced that Maya is wrong about this, Declan said.

  I just don’t like the idea of my son having his brain chemistry altered.

  Fair enough, but don’t you think your wife deserves your support? Ben asked.

  Yeah, of course I want to support Maya, but that doesn’t mean I have to agree with her, does it?

  Ben seemed to shrug.

  “God, this is hard. I wish I weren’t doing it alone.” Maya sighed as she spoke.

  “Yeah, the alone part sucks,” Kristie said.

  Ben looked at his wife. His light blue aura dulled somewhat by her comment, but I read no thoughts from him. I wish they could see what we see. Ben’s thought permeated the air around us.

  What can we see? I responded. I sort of knew what he meant, but I wanted to hear it from him.

  That the experiences we have on Earth are what shape us, the hard experiences in particular. This culture of medicating is unnecessary. Ben sounded resolute.

  But there are cases where medication is helpful and can positively change neurological synapses in the brain to influence behavior. If the technology is there... Declan, the scientist, threw in his two cents.

  I was no doubt emotionally invested in my son’s wellbeing, but it seemed to me that Calder would emerge from this period of troubling behavior and turn out to be perfectly normal. Without meds.

  But what about the toll that would take? On your son, on Maya? Declan asked. What if the meds could just be for a little while, to help Calder over his black moods and to help him know what being happy feels like? He can always go off them if it doesn’t seem to be working.

  Yeah, but having those chemicals passing through Calder's brain concerns me. We’ve all seen the effects of drugs on the human body. Drug addicts lose their connection to this realm completely. They become so immersed in their human bodies that they can’t retain any spiritual resonance at all, I said.

  Do they? Or are addicts trying to escape their human bodies, maybe trying to find their way here through drugs? What is it? Are you frightened of losing your connection with your son if he goes onto meds? Declan asked.

  I could see my own aura glow with truth. Impossible to hide one’s truth in this realm. Was my concern for Calder's brain really my objection to the meds? Or the fear that I would lose my late night talks with Calder, that meds would block his mind from me?

  I’m with you, Jay. Declan’s thought exuded warmth. You don’t know the effect those meds will have on Calder's mind, but you might not be able to dissuade Maya from taking this step. She’s trying to help Calder and she’s a desperate mom. You might need to simply support her.

  Yeah. I see your point. I guess I can try.

  “Thanks guys,” Maya said, smiling. “I feel a little better knowing I have your support. I’m so glad for this group.”

  “Me too!” Molly said as she got up from her chair. “Does anyone want a glass of ‘widow juice’?” She didn’t wait for an answer. She disappeared into the kitchen. The women were quiet as they listened to the fridge opening and glasses being pulled from the cupboard. Kristie stood up to help. Maya kicked off her shoes and tucked her feet under her, settling into her thoughts.

  The glasses clinked as they were carried out on a tray. With wine, the women all seemed to relax. Chelsea spoke suddenly, breaking the silence:

  “I put a profile on Match
.com... I’ve decided I want to see what’s out there.”

  “Wow!” Maya said.

  “I know it’s only been two years since Charlie died, but I think I’m ready.”

  I looked at Charlie, whose normally cool blue aura glowed, the only apparent response to his wife’s declaration. He seemed to shrug. “I know, I know. I’m cool with it. She needs to move on, you know?”

  “Chelsea, that’s great. That’s a huge step.” Kristie smiled. “You don’t think it’s too soon?”

  “No, not at all!” The women all spoke the same words at the same time.

  “So?” Maya asked, her lips curled into a sly smile. “Any takers?”

  Molly looked shocked for a moment and then laughed.

  “Well, as a matter of fact, I’ve had quite a few responses,” Chelsea said. “I’ve been surprised actually. I didn’t think anyone would be interested in a frumpy old mom of a five and eight-year-old who spends most of her weekends on a soccer field. Certainly, a lot of older men responded, a couple of creepos. But one I found interesting... we’re going on a date next week.”

  “No way!” Molly said.

  “He seems really nice. A professor at Puget Sound University. Something to do with business ethics or some such thing. His name is Ken.”

  “Kids?” Maya asked.

  “Nope. Married, but no kids. He’s been divorced for about six years.” Chelsea grabbed a cookie from the plate beside her.

  “That’s awesome, Chels. I’m proud of you. That’s a huge step,” Kristie said, smiling.

  “Yeah, I guess I just felt ready. I’m sick of sitting around every night watching Sex and the City reruns. What about you guys? Are you ready?” Chelsea asked as she looked around the room.

  “I’m definitely not there yet. I still cry into my pillow every night. Not exactly sex kitten material,” Molly said.

  “I still buy my undies at Safeway!” Kristie said. The women all laughed. “But I’ve thought about dating...” she continued, looking thoughtful. “I’m terrified. I haven’t dated in over twenty years. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”

  I wish she would. The thought came from Ben. We all looked at him. Kristie’s still so closed to me in many ways. She can’t seem to get beyond being my widow. I feel stuck in this place with her, tethered to her need for me to come back. I wish she could move on with her life. I just haven’t been able to convince her. Kristie’s very stubborn. But I need to move on as well.

  Move on? How do we move on? I asked.

  We begin by relinquishing our attachments to our human selves, and to those we loved in life. It can happen at varying speeds, depending on the depth of our connections in life, or the amount of spiritual awakening we’ve acquired while on Earth. As we move away from earthly pursuits, we transmute into a higher spiritual level. New worlds open up to us. We can begin to plan the next phase of our journey.

  “All the more reason you should try dating, Kristie,” Maya said, grinning mischievously.

  “Oh, sure, miss hot-to-trot, and what about you?” Kristie said.

  We all looked at Maya. Perhaps I clung too tightly to my Earth life. I strove to help Maya and Calder through their grief. Perhaps that drive stemmed from my guilt of my own stupid accident, or tied up somehow in my father’s death. Perhaps I still clung to Maya to prevent her from being with Marcus.

  “Me, date? Uh. No. I can’t imagine. It hasn’t even been a year since Jay’s death.”

  “Yeah, maybe that’s too soon,” Kristie said, taking a sip of wine.

  “But, if you want to know the truth, I have this friend...” Maya looked down at the floor. Did she mean Marcus? Charlie looked at me now. My aura must have muddied, giving away my distress at Maya's declaration.

  Chill man, it’s a normal progression. Maya's just testing the waters, he said.

  Yeah, I know. It’s just that I’m starting to think there’s something going on with this friend of Maya's. We both knew him as kids.

  And that’s a bad thing? Don’t you want your wife to move on with her life?

  Yeah, but not with this guy. He’s an arrogant...

  That’s something she will have to discover on her own, Jay.

  I’m not sure I can be as cool as you are about Chelsea dating. It’s going to be difficult to see our wives with other men, isn’t it?

  I don’t know about that. It’s not like we don’t know who the people are that they’re going to date.

  Know who they are? What are you talking about?

  C’mon, Jay. Have you forgotten?

  Forgotten what?

  Oh, dude. It will come back to you. You must know by now that no human relationship is a coincidence. They are planned. Charlie’s thoughts provoked something like a memory, one I couldn’t quite reach. His truth seemed inaccessible to me in that moment.

  “Friend?” Chelsea asked.

  “Yeah. Someone I knew a long time ago. My first love, actually. Before Jay.”

  The other women looked at each other. “And?”

  Maya shrugged. “He lives in Vancouver. It’s not practical.”

  “But you obviously like this guy,” Molly said.

  Maya pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. She cocked her head slightly as if she could see me sitting beside her. She looked sadder than I had ever seen her. I heard her thought:

  I wish I could tell them the truth.

  What is the truth, Lenie? I’m not sure I truly wanted to know.

  “Yeah,” Maya said. “I guess I do, but that doesn’t mean it’s right.”

  “You know, if you want, you could go and see Liz. She’s that psychic my friend told me about. I haven’t called her yet, but maybe she could give you some insight or something,” Molly said.

  “I’ve been thinking of seeing a psychic, actually. She might be perfect.”

  “It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I have to admit I’m sort of curious. I’d love to see if she gets anything about Charlie,” Chelsea said.

  “Ooh. That sounds fun,” Chelsea said. “I’d be into getting her number.”

  “Not me. I think psychics are a bunch of quacks. They just make really good guesses based on what they can tell about you from how you look, the clothes you wear and that sort of thing,” Kristie said. Her aura seemed to shrink with her statement.

  “I don’t know. This particular friend who told me about psychics, but she raved about her. Said she picked up all sorts of stuff she couldn’t possibly have known,” Molly said, her brown eyes getting wider with her obvious excitement.

  “Maybe, but I still think it’s a crock,” said Kristie, twisting her lips into a look of disapproval.

  I wish Kristie would go see that psychic,” Ben said. I’d love to be able to communicate with her, tell her I love her.

  Can you really be that specific? I asked him.

  I think it depends on the psychic’s abilities, but, yes, I think you can. From my understanding, this Liz woman that Molly is talking about is pretty talented.

  At that moment, I heard an unfamiliar voice. I’m looking forward to meeting you, Jay.

  Who’s that? I asked the voice.

  What? Ben responded.

  You didn’t hear that voice?

  No. What voice?

  A woman’s. Telling me she’s looking forward to meeting me.

  If only I could be so lucky. Sounds like you’re going to get the opportunity to talk with Maya, Jay. Through Liz, the psychic. Lucky you, Ben said.

  How does the psychic lady know that already? Maya hasn’t even decided she’s going to go see her yet.

  She’s psychic, Ben said.

  “A psychic. What would I even ask her?” Maya said.

  “It could be really emotional for you, Maya. Are you sure you want to put yo
urself through that?” Kristie asked.

  “Yeah, I know that might be hard, but it also might be a nice kind of emotional. You know, like a happy feeling that I’m connecting with Jay.”

  “And maybe she’ll tell you if you’re going to wind up with Mr. Next Love,” Molly said.

  “Oh God, she could tell me that?”

  “Maybe...” Molly responded.

  “Then, I’m scared shitless!” Maya said, mocking a horrified look. Everyone laughed. “But, OK. I’m game. Molly, will you email me her info?”

  I’m not sure I want to know about Maya's new dating life. Can a psychic really predict new love for her?

  Liz can only tell Maya what she receives from you or Maya's own guardians. It will be up to you to tell Maya if she will find new love again, Ben said.

  What guardians? I thought.

  We all have guardians, Jay. Have you not met Maya's or Calder's yet?

  No. I haven’t even met mine. And how the hell is Maya's love life up to me?

  You are well versed with Maya's path. You planned it together, remember?

  That’s the problem, Ben. I don’t remember. I don’t remember a thing.

  All in good time, my friend. The knowledge will come to you when you’re ready for it.

  So I keep hearing.

  Chapter Thirteen

  THE PSYCHIC

  Apparently anxious to connect with me in my nefarious world, it didn’t take long for Maya to call the psychic. I was eager to communicate with Maya as well, excited by the prospect of being able to tell her how sorry I was, that I missed and loved her. It seemed an easier way to communicate than inserting myself into the consciousness of crows in hopes that their symbolism would be seen and understood by her. I practiced the tricks I learned from Alice and my dad to alert Maya to my presence – turning on lights by manipulating electrical circuitry with thought; selecting my favorite songs to play on the radio as she drove Calder to school using electrical thoughts to manipulate radio waves; or aligning my presence with the molecules of a particular smell (the orange blossoms of Italy).